You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
You must have my penis confused with someone else's...which is disappointing
What kind of paramedic is he, some dude is dying back there and he's trying to get laid
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
Well my mom knows that the welt I had on my forehead last month was the result of a sex accident. This holiday sucks
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
Randomize
