You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
Just saw a teacher from our school with his wife... Now i really know how little teachers get paid.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
Also, beer. Big fan.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
