the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Monday morning margarita madness at ny house. Yes before wheel of fortune. Yes day drinking.
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize