I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
