A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
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she's into porn, im staying here tonight
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
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Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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