I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
We took three cabs to get home, the first one dropped us off a block away, so we went back to the hotel and tried again
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
