I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
Seriously, it was like sucking my thumb.. and im not even saying that to be spiteful b/c he is a really nice guy.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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