I need to stop coming to work sober
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
Only ESPN could find the two ugly girls from a school in Florida
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Randomize
