I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I'm chasing my vodka with snickers.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
There's so many drinking games in the Olympics.
you missed out this chick was licking her paddle
Randomize
