We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
I like to think of you as more a magic eight ball of my life's journey?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
I did get to watch you pee, tho. That counts as another precious moment.
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
