I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
In other news I saw a pack of make believe zombies walking down green st.
gotta love wednesdays
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
