A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I'm putting "buy a bottle of scotch" on my "productive things to do to procrastinate studying for finals" list
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
