i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Definitely thought about throwing up in the cat box since it's not as far to the bathroom..
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
I forgot to lock the door last night. I woke up cuz a guy opened my bedroom door, asked me who I was and where he was. And there was another guy standing in the living room asking me if I knew what apartment "Travis" lives in.
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
