Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
Helped a guy at work today that did nothing but stare at my chest....safe to say the Girls were looking G.O.O.D. today.
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
