Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
no. 1 rule of bromania: no females
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
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