I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
All I really remember is shouting "THANKS FOR LETTING ME MAKE OUT WITH YOUR GIRLFRIEND."
What can I say? You have this amazing power over straight girls.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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