I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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