Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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