No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
He said it was fake. Like really? Hey baby, I wanna sleep with you, so here's a picture of a fake tiny dick
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
