eating toast while peeing. You think this what kanye meant by the good life?
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
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I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Did I run into a tree or get punched in the face?
Both.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
Alright I'd bang a 4 sober, It's been like 3-4 weeks or how ever long 4th of July was ago. I wanna fuck something.
4th of July was 12 days ago. The date is literally in the text you just sent.
I don't care about the dates I just wanna bone something.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
just said thank you to the lady who gave me a body search at the airport
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
doc says my ankle might be broken, they're going to do xrays. He asked me what happened and I told him if he could find out that would be great.
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