We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm pretty sure my therapist gave me the green light to fuck him.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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