Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It was one of the greatest weekends of my life. And that's even after factoring in spraying myself in the face with the bidet.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
