FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
If there was a card that said "I'm sorry for throwing up on your bathroom counter" I would send it to you.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
