He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
beer pong: waldo and ernie vs. bacon and eggs... i love halloween
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
BTW my friend remembers her as "the one with the pronounced chin"
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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