She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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