NO FUCKING WAY. PLEASE MAKE HER IMPLANT THAT POOR KID INTO A RESPONSIBLE UTERUS.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
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Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
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Then James put his arms through the window and grabbed him, like he was Robocop. A nerdy, portly Robocop.
Who is this?
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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