...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
it was 5AM and you were field goal kicking solo cups into the sink
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
There are leaves in my underwear?
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
