it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
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