the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
I was super naked---except I kept my shoes on, because I'm a lady, and I was bent over a bar.
Dude of course I want to. Your penis is beautiful.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
Randomize
