i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I think I'm gonna quit partying for awhile. Piercing my own nose is where I draw the line.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
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