From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
if a girl cums in a dorm room and no one hears it did it really happen?
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Just told my dad about my heroic mailbox showdown. He looked at me strange. I think he thinks I'm high.
You are high.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
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