I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Randomize
