i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Had sex on a washing machine in a pool of beer. Can you say success.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Is it weird that I was turned on when he told me he had a vasectomy?
I knew you two would hit it off
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
