Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
well, unfortunately the rug burn lasted longer than the actual relationship
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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