my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
I just told the 2nd grade class leprechauns are the children of midgets.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
