At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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