i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
Mom and dad should be so proud half of their children have gotten naked in the same local grocery store
Stay calm. It's a titty bar. A ring of cocaine will protect you.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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