please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
It was going well until he told me about the 7k he made in college to be in a gay porn
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I just got fingered in the Win-Co parking lot for pills. How's your meltdown going?
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
