So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I do feel like I owe you an apology for trying to fuck your dad last night but in my defense everyone knows I shouldn't drink tequila.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
Randomize
