I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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