Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
cheating on your boyfriend is the best diet ever, I've barely eaten in days. The guilt is killing me
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Mom said you looked used
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Randomize
