He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
Having to explain to my dad why there are chicken wings to the pool filter, new low.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
He better not be in your backpack
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
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