Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
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