remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
She curled up in the corner, screamed "THE BLANKET IS SO WARM" and promptly passed out with her face in the dogbed. No one bothered to reposition her.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
My boobs are too perky to pay that much for a car
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