It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
God damn. You sleep with one 40 year old married dude and suddenly you have “daddy issues”. Fuck all of you.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
