we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Why the fuck is Ian Naked eating string cheese in my guest bedroom?
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