On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call.
He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
Randomize
