i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
Everyday this week I have woken up to a different dick pic. It's like a dick pic a day calendar!
Randomize
