Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
He could tell i had a fever by feeling my tits. He gets docter of the year.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Apparently I handcuffed myself to the dishwasher...
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Randomize
