I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
the liver wants what the liver wants
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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