Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Randomize
