So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
