How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
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Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
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I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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