Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Your youporn search history says otherwise.
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
