My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
From the same High Brittany who brought you such thoughts as, "Fuck, am I wearing shoes?" Comes High Brittany on a date! Stay tuned. This will be interesting.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
You came home screaming the lyrics to Drunk in love, and dumped wine on me when I said you would never be Beyoncé
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I'm going to be such a slut in Europe I've already decided
Send me dick pics. We'll make a scrap book
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Randomize
