I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
you made pancakes with beer, you said they were good. then you threw up 15 minutes later
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
